


Never Forget

by theofficialdramallama



Category: Ant & Dec RPF
Genre: Angst, Bromance, Fluff and Angst, Friendship, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Male Friendship
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-18
Updated: 2020-05-21
Packaged: 2021-03-02 04:48:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,953
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23709418
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theofficialdramallama/pseuds/theofficialdramallama
Summary: Two best friends were living the dream. First as actors, then as a musical duo, and now as hit TV presenters. They were on a rollercoaster, and they never wanted to get off.However, maybe fate wanted to force them off.When the pair are torn apart due to actions that cannot be undone, will they ever be the same?
Relationships: Ali Astall/Dec Donnelly, Dec Donnelly & Ant McPartlin
Comments: 8
Kudos: 16





	1. Those Days Are Gone...

Declan Donnelly was wallowing. He had realised that quite a while ago but he didn't care. He didn't stop himself. This wasn't some little decision that had been made. This was their career, their lives they had tossed to the side.

"Crisp?"

"Sure."

 _Munch._ Gazing out onto the River Tyne in his light blue MG Metro Turbo with his best friend, the sharing of the snack broke the silence that had been brewing for the last while between them.

That BBC meeting was hell. From years of being built up as the 'next big thing' and people singing their praises to being written out of Byker Grove because they were too old. The rug was unceremoniously being yanked from under them and it didn't seem real. The two of them had walked out of the building in a numb haze, clambering into Dec's car without a single word spoken between them. A quick stop-off at the local corner shop later, and Dec had brought the car to a stop in one of Newcastle's many car parks - this one overlooking the river and the Tyne Bridge.

Ant let out a bitter chuckle. "To think we thought we'd get a spin-off series."

What if this was it? Was everything they had built over these last few years just going to collapse around them? They had always been told - if the acting thing didn't work out, there was always going back to school as a back-up. Although, that was before Byker and their characters blew up, and quite frankly, the idea of studying some dead-end course after having a taste of the high that they experienced when in front of the camera together was not even worth thinking about.

Even so, they _did_ have to think about it. They had been Ant and Dec, and PJ and Duncan, for so long, that in a strange way, they had never talked about _it_. The giant elephant in the room. What would happen when the bubble they had surrounded themselves in inevitably burst. They had been enjoying themselves too much, living in the moment and not thinking about the future, but now the future had slammed them back into reality with brute force, forcing them to have that conversation.

"I don't want to go back to school."

"Me neither."

Well, at least they were on the same page about that.

They each reached for their cans simultaneously, their Adam apples' jiggling with intensity as they nervously gulped down their Cokes just a little faster than they normally would.

Ant was the first to speak again, the cans safely back in their holders. "What about what that guy said? D'you think we could really do it? Sing?"

His tone was unsure, and Dec could understand why. It hadn't even been their idea originally. The Byker writers had approached them with a storyline about PJ and Duncan starting up a band with some of the other boys, and the two of them had just went along with it. After all, any opportunity to mess around with their friends would definitely be taken.

Then Tonight I'm Free happened, and the letters started to come in. People _actually_ wanted to have the song on tape, _and_ were willing to pay for it - which was enough for the higher-ups to release it.

However, having a BBC employee chasing after them (they had pretty much bolted out of the room after hearing that they were being written out) to drop the bombshell that Telstar, the record company that had released Tonight I'm Free, were willing to sign the two of them to a recording contract if they agreed to it, was just too much information to process at the time. Dec vaguely remembered mumbling something about needing time to come to a decision before the two of them had fled the BBC building in his car.

"We could give it a go? What's the worst that could happen?" Quite a lot when he really stopped to think about it, but Dec refused to go down that rabbit hole.

If he was being honest, the idea was tempting. He had genuinely enjoyed going through the motions of being a singer while filming and recording Tonight I'm Free for Byker, and the prospect of doing that full time with his best mate at his side through it all was really appealing.

"Dec, we could be popstars! I'd give it a go, only if you were with us. We wouldn't have go back to school, and we'd still be best mates together, mucking about!"

Ant's cheeky grin was wide as he spoke, the happiness in his voice almost palpable. Dec could see it in his sparkling eyes, Ant was starting to _believe_. 

"Right back at ya!"

Maybe there was light at the end of the tunnel? Sure, there was the hurdle of their parents actually approving the crazy plan (even though they were over eighteen, they wouldn't feel comfortable doing it if they didn't have the support of their families), but otherwise, there didn't seem to be anything stopping them from taking the plunge.

Ant raised his Coke can triumphantly in his direction.

"Declan Donnelly, you belta, are the best friend I've ever had." He ruffled Dec's hair with his free hand. "Whatever happens, whether we become worldwide popstars, or end up working in Tesco, let's never grow apart, alright? I don't ever want to lose you."

Dec raised his own can in Ant's direction. "Anthony McPartlin, you're the other half of me. It's you and me now, and it's going to be you and me forever. We're always going to be Ant and Dec, PJ and Duncan, and nothing or nobody can take that away from us. Deal?"

"Deal!"

Looking back, Dec was glad that they had both drank the majority of their drinks, as they clinked cans with such exuberance that would have otherwise resulted in his car furnishings being ruined.

The moment passing and cans back in their holders, Dec set about getting them out of the random car park and back home to sort out the practicalities of how all of it would actually work. Neither he or Ant acknowledged how both their cheeks were glistening with tears. 

This wasn't the end. It was just the beginning. 

* * *

Ali had made her way out of the bedroom just as Dec had unfolded and begun to climb the rickety stairs to the attic. He had been mumbling something about tidying up the house for the new bairn, but Ali knew that it had nothing to do with their child that wasn't due for several months.

She silently watched from the safe distance of the kitchen as he climbed back down after a few minutes, making his way downstairs and into the sitting room, holding a tin of some sorts tightly in his grip. She left him to it, not wanting to interfere, but ready to drop everything to be by his side at any moment.

Dec was sat on the sitting room carpet, his back to the sofa. He stared at the biscuit tin for a few moments, working up the courage to open it. He remembered haggling with his mum to loan him a spare (one that hadn't already been commissioned for sewing supplies) for his own use. She had never asked him what exactly he was going to put in it, and he had always been grateful for that.

The tin lid rattled as he finally opened the container up, his gaze clouding with tears as he gazed down and started to rifle through the contents.

The worn ticket for Newcastle United's Boxing Day match, his 'first date' with Ant.

Highlights from their old PJ and Duncan photoshoots. What on _earth_ possessed them to wear such baggy clothes?

The first ever copy of Psyche. The amount of times they shamelessly sang along to their own songs in their cars was nothing to be proud of, and yet he was.

There it was, right at the bottom.

The crisp packet was still there, folded up neatly to make it fit in the tin, but the wrinkles from where they had scrunched it up in the car in excitement ever visible.

He couldn't stop it anymore. The tears that he had been blinking away were falling faster than he could stop them.

Ali was with him now, her heart breaking at the sight of her husband, who looked so little and broken as she enveloped him in a hug. His wracking sobs shook his whole body as he clung to her, although Ali knew the embrace he craved was not hers, but from the person whose cheeky grin was emanating up from the photos fanned out around them.

It was muffled, but Ali couldn't mistake the sensation of Dec's voice breaking with hurt and despair. 

"He's my _best friend!_ I can't do this without him!"


	2. ...And I Miss Them So

Anthony McPartlin was in a whole lot of shit.

"What the _fuck_ , Ant?!"

Dec didn't swear a lot. It was normally Ant who would let the naughty words slip in everyday conversation, sometimes even without himself realising it.

Even so, between the swearing, the unconscious need to run his hands through his hair every five seconds and the remarkable impression that he was currently doing of a someone who looked like he didn't know whether to cry or punch something, Ant didn't have to be sober to know Dec was royally pissed off.

"Christ, your own mum was in the car with you! What were you _thinking_?!"

If he paced any more, he'd wear a hole in the carpet. It wasn't that great of a carpet anyway. Himself and Lisa had been talking about replacing it, but since their marriage had imploded, he hadn't gotten around to it.

"I wasn't thinking."

His voice sounded strange even to his own ears.

"Mum needed a lift and I was nearby. Wasn't that far. Didn't think all this would happen."

'All this' being driving while twice the legal alcohol limit and smashing into not one, but two cars that had passengers in them. So, yeah, today was not a typical day for him.

Their gazes met. It took a few seconds for Ant to decode the mixture of emotions that ran through Dec's expression before he turned away, but once he did, there was no going back.

"Don't you dare pity me."

He hadn't intended it, but his voice broke slightly as he spoke.

Dec wouldn't look at him now, deep in thought as he stared down the living room curtains. They had been drawn across the windows to give the two of them privacy from the inevitable paparazzi that were camped outside. Ant watched him, feeling nothing but shame for putting him through all of this.

He made a mental decision before swallowing the lump in his throat and breaking the deafening silence.

"You should just drop me while you have the chance. A clean break. You shouldn't have to be dragged down with me. You're better than that. I'm going to be the next Barrymore - I'm better off alone."

It was true. Michael Barrymore, once a beloved British comedian, entertainer and TV presenter, had made one mistake. One 'alcohol and drug-filled house party that had led one young man to his death in the pool' kind of mistake. A mistake that had happened in 2001, but one that had been dragged up every single time he had attempted to do anything in the entertainment industry. One mistake that had stunted his career for nearly twenty years.

He wasn't going to be Ant McPartlin anymore, one half of one of the best double acts out there. He was going to be Ant McPartlin, one half of Ant and Dec, and the one who had very nearly killed several people because of his stupid and selfish actions.

"You're better off without me. You sh--"

Dec's arms were around him before he could finish, smothering him in a hug. Ant could feel himself sinking back into the sofa from the impact, but was too surprised to utter a word.

"You're not going to be the next Barrymore, you hear me? I won't let that happen, not on my watch." Dec's voice was thick with emotion as he spoke, and Ant could feel the lump in his throat returning with a vengeance.

"I'm not dropping you. I don't give a shit if I get dragged down with you, because you're family. You're my best friend, and I'll do absolutely everything in my power to help you, but you need to help yourself first. You have a problem, and maybe it's my fault for going along with your facade when I knew deep down that you weren't ready to come out of rehab the first time, but you have to _want_ to change or else there's no point even trying."

Ant was crying now, the tears stinging his eyes as he choked back sobs. Everything Dec was saying was true. He had been spiraling for a long time, but he just hadn't accepted it. Strolling through life with that stupid grin on his face as if everything was hunky-dory, when in reality, it was anything but.

Next thing he knew, he wasn't looking over Dec's shoulder anymore. Dec had maneuvered himself out of the embrace, and was facing him with equally tear-stained features, his hands cupping Ant's cheeks as he maintained eye contact, speaking the words slowly.

"You're not going to lose me, alright?"

Ant could feel Dec place a gentle kiss on his forehead before resting his own forehead on his. 

They stayed like that for a while, too busy crying to move apart. They had always been comfortable with each other, ever since they were young, so this was nothing new. Nevertheless, there was a tenderness there that was new, a genuine feeling of hope, sadness, shame, acceptance and forgiveness swirling all around them. 

Ant knew that as soon as they left his sitting room, everything would change. If they could just stay in this quiet moment, just the two of them, for just a little bit longer, he wasn't going to pull away.

He closed his eyes, making a mental note of every detail of this moment. He was going to need memories like this to keep him going if he was going to try and survive rehab again. This time was going to be different though. He wasn't going to make the same mistake twice. He had already let Dec down enough. He wasn't going to do it again. 

He was going to make Dec proud of him, even if it killed him.


	3. Habits

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, here is a well-overdue new chapter~! It was delayed slightly due to college end-of-year exams, but I hope this will make up for it! <3 Thank you for the lovely comments <3 <3

Dr. Jennifer Dawson gazed up at him with calm blue eyes, notepad and pen in her grip.

"To be honest, I'm not in the habit of watching too much television, so if you wouldn't mind telling me how you got to where you are now, that would be a great help."

He explained everything. The story that he never grew tired of looking back on. He could feel the smile on his face growing wider and wider, the more he spoke.

"We've done everything together for twenty-eight years, and been best mates through it all."

She hid her surprise well enough, but he could still see it. To anyone who wasn't familiar with their story, it would be easy to assume that the two of them would have had at least some amount of bust-ups over the years.

"If that's the case, then your friendship must be very strong for it to stay as solid as it has been."

"It is." His smile was practically ear-to-ear now. "We're practically brothers."

"Would you say that your lives are intertwined?"

"Of course. We work as a double act, but we've been friends since we've been thirteen. We've grown up together - we're only a few months apart in age, so we've lived through all the same experiences together."

All the scribbling she was doing was making him nervous. 

After a few moments, she looked up at him, and with an unchanging expression, spoke bluntly.

"Do you depend on each other too much?"

"Too much? What do you mean?"

"Let me rephrase that. The two of you are in this predicament now - it's partly the reason why you are here talking to me."

She paused for a moment before speaking again - mulling over how best to construct the next question, he presumed.

"Can you say, without any doubt, that the fact that the two of you have spent the majority of your lives relying on each other as an emotional crutch has _not_ been a factor to where you both have ended up?"

Silence.

He eventually forced himself to respond, his smile gone. 

"We haven't been using each other as emotional crutches, far from it! We're bes--"

"Best friends. Yes, I understand that, I do. However, when you spend such a long period with each other, each of you being the other's primary 'best friend', the tendency to slip into an unhealthy level of dependency is quite hard to resist, and can happen without anyone realising."

He could feel his heartbeat begin to quicken, and he instinctively wiped his sweaty palms on his trousers.

"I really don't know... He's just been _there_ , through the good times and bad."

"What would you do if he didn't want to be your best friend anymore? If he wanted to cut all ties with you?"

He whipped his head up from looking down at the floor. Before he knew it, he was speaking, his heart feeling like it was going to burst out of his chest.

"If that was what he wanted, if it would make him happier, then I'd have to respect his wishes, but it doesn't mean I'd like it! I wouldn't want him to go, to leave me. He's like the other half of me. We've never spent more than a few weeks apart, and even then we've texted or rung each other. To just have him suddenly not there any more would be torture."

He could feel himself shaking, visions entering his mind with no intention of leaving.

"I've always had him to pick me up when I'm feeling down, or make me laugh, or joke around with when I mess up a line on one of our shows. He's the only person who's gone through nearly the exact same journey as me for the majority of our lives. He truly knows me like no one else does. He's a brilliant mate - if he leaves it's most likely because I've detonated our friendship in some way. I'd never forgive myself if that happened - he doesn't deserve to be treated badly. He's an overwhelmingly bright light in my life, and if he goes, I won't shine bright. Without him... I'm afraid I won't shine at all."

He let out a shaky sigh, scolding himself for tearing up in front of a professional like this. It was just that, as soon as he even entertained the thought of something like that happening, he wanted to curl up into a ball and cry all the pain away, which he couldn't do in front of his therapist. No, that would have to wait until he was home alone, where no one could see him looking utterly pathetic.

Dr. Dawson handed over the box of tissues that he had silently scoffed at when he initially entered the room with a sympathetic smile. He took one out gratefully, dabbing his eyes. He assumed that he had enough restraint to not burst into tears during his therapy session, but evidently he was wrong.

"Declan, it is totally acceptable to cry - do _not_ feel ashamed to do so. As for your response to my question - 'without him... I'm afraid I won't shine at all' - that is proof that in some small way, your dependence on Ant has started to become unhealthy. You are starting to lose your confidence in your ability to cope without him."

When she laid it out so bluntly like that, Dec was finding it hard to disagree with her. 

Even so, this was himself and _Ant_ that they were talking about - he never imagined that their friendship would be the very thing that was tearing them apart. 

It would make sense why Ant hid the drinking and the painkillers from him the first time, if they really were emotional crutches to each other. He probably didn't want to let Dec down, in case he left him. If Ant felt a _fraction_ as horrible as Dec did at the thought of him ever leaving, compounded with the vicious cycle of the drinking this time round...

Dec felt himself shudder at the notion that he was more to blame for Ant's crash than he ever imagined.

"The first step is realising and accepting that you are in a partially unhealthy friendship. The next step is discovering how it has come to this point and learning how to improve the friendship and your own state of mind." 

She placed her notepad on the table beside them, taking her diary in hand instead and thumbing through the pages.

"Normally, I would arrange a few more appointments before you would go back to work... However, your work schedule is going to make that hard to do, if what you told me earlier is the case."

Dec nodded numbly in agreement. Ant might have been in rehab for the past couple of days, but the show had to go on. The executives at ITV, the crew, the audience, the deserving people that had won Places on the Plane - they all needed the rest of the episodes of Saturday Night Takeaway to go ahead. So, he and Ant had agreed that the best thing to do was for Dec to host the next episode and the finale in Florida on his own. Then the current series would be over, and they would have some time to think about what to do about Britain's Got Talent and the future.

The idea of hosting alone made him want to profusely vomit into the bin underneath the table, but he had to do it. He had to keep everything going until Ant returned to his side again. He had to keep his promise.

He had only just managed to squeeze in this appointment within the mass of production meetings, script meetings and rehearsals over the last forty-eight hours, and it was only going to get busier. 

"I don't do this for most patients, but you are an exception because of your circumstances. Hosting alone will be stressful for you, so if at any point, you feel things getting on top of you, or if you just need to talk to someone, you have my number. Ring me, text me, or send a voice note. You will not be weak or a burden for doing so - it's what I'm here for. I have every belief that you will be able to get through the next couple of weeks, Declan - you just need to have that belief in yourself."

They arranged a time for the next appointment, shortly after he would return from Florida, and with heavy legs, Dec ventured out into the real world once more.

It was all well and good for Dr. Dawson to have faith in him pulling off the rescue mission of the century, but as Dec sat in unfamiliar silence in the back of the car as their driver brought him back home, he couldn't help but think. 

Maybe trying to save both their careers while it felt like everyone was willing them to fail was just one step too far for him...


End file.
